


Balconies and Bottles

by CosimaBlackfyre



Series: I Found Home in Your Eyes [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alex comes to an important realization, Anxiety, But Kara is a little afraid too, Depression, Everyone also loves Alex, Everyone is Supportive, Everyone's a little silly, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Kara's Fear of Abandonment, Lena Luthor is amazing, Maggie is the best, Past Child Abuse, Protective Kara Danvers, Suicidal Thoughts, The Superfam has been drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-06 19:52:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11043171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosimaBlackfyre/pseuds/CosimaBlackfyre
Summary: Alex and Maggie return to the hotel suite where Kara and the Superfam are impatiently waiting for them. When she least expects it, Alex connects with Lena Luthor.





	Balconies and Bottles

**Author's Note:**

> Rated Mature for language and themes. Reposting due to an error.
> 
> I listened to Scientific Studies by Death Cab for Cutie for the beginning with Alex, then Rest by VÉRITÉ for the middle with Alex and Lena, and We Are Broken by Paramore for the end with Alex and Maggie. While I was editing, I listened to Time by Hans Zimmer. I wanted to get inside Alex's head. I thought it was only fair, seeing as I started with Kara and Maggie. This story turned into something I didn't expect honestly. But Alex took me there so I went with it.

All her life, Alex had never been good enough. It was something that pained her every day. It was the reason she hid behind a bottle. (Before the bottle it was the surfboard and before the surfboard it was books. She had been hiding her whole life.) Being drunk meant she didn't have to face herself sober in the mirror. Staying out all night partying and fucking men like a robot meant she didn't have to think or feel. She didn't have to process her own childhood if she couldn't walk without stumbling. She didn't have to remember her mother's disapproving looks if she couldn't remember last night. It was the way she coped and she couldn't change that.

No, Alex was never good enough, but she was good at some things. Like hiding her feelings, burying them deeply and never talking about them, like letting things fester under her skin until they erupted, talking more to the demons in her head than to the people around her, drowning in her never-ending, self-destructive cycle of perfectionism, self-loathing and procrastination. Yea, she was a woman of many talents. That was Alex Danvers alright.

Things changed when Alex met J'onn and found in him the father she had been denied, the father she deserved, the father she longed for but never admitted, because how dare she when it was Kara who lost everything. (That fight with her mother had earned her the silent treatment for weeks.) Slowly, a part of her began to heal. She could look at herself in the mirror and although, most of the times she didn't like what she saw… at least she could look.

But well, once an addict, always an addict. She traded a glass of whiskey for a glock and never looked back. (Or at least, in the beginning, she thought she did. She thought she didn't need it anymore. Besides a celebratory drink here and there, she was okay. She could stop.) She liked chasing bad guys, she was happy to keep her city and her world safe, she thrived on the satisfaction the job gave her, she liked the thrill of it, the adrenaline rush and best of all? She was _good_ at it. She was finally good at something she could be proud of. She was helping others, making a difference in the world. She wasn't a failure anymore.

Alex was finally successful; she had a job, she had an apartment, she had a Ducati, she paid her bills on time, she went on dates, what more could she want? She was fine, she was finally fine, she was okay, she was more than okay; she was the textbook definition of an adult. She had finally made it. Alex thought she had gone from surviving to living, but some nights when she got home late and plopped in her bed and the darkness came creeping up, she realized she still wasn't alive yet. She was still empty. She was just going through the motions.

Some of those nights she found herself craving a drink. Sometimes she was strong enough to resist, but some nights she didn't care. The moment the first drop touched her lips she felt the satisfaction wash over her like a wave. It felt so good to lose herself in alcohol and while she never let herself drink as much as she did in college (she couldn't black out one night and be expected to fight Cadmus the next), she still brought herself the point where she could at least sleep through the night and wake up rested. Even when that voice in the back of her head would warn her… _What would Kara think? No more. Put it down. Don't finish this one._

…the other side of her would argue that she deserved this. She deserved to relax and wind down and this was the only way she could. She didn't know any other way. Surfing didn't relax her anymore and the ocean was too far. She barely had time to read for pleasure. And if she did, she couldn't concentrate, her mind too preoccupied with other things. So what if her idea of a perfect night in was watching reruns of Buffy drunk and alone? She was fucking tired. (And maybe she had a drinking problem. Another failure to add to the list.)

She was living her life based on other people's expectations of her. How long had it been since she had lived for herself? Alex couldn't remember.

And then Maggie came along.

Alex always hated the phrase, "No one will love you until you love yourself," because she didn't think she ever would. It wasn't fair to put restrictions on who deserved love and who didn't based on how people felt about themselves. But sometimes, when she was around Maggie, she didn't see her imperfections.

She didn't focus on how much she hated herself when the tiny detective was near. In fact, she almost didn't care, which was laughable considering she spent so many years hiding from her imperfections. Just for someone like Maggie to come along and make them less important somehow? Just by existing? Well, it was more than that. Maggie didn't… expect anything more from Alex than what she was already willing to give. Alex didn't have to be more or be perfect with Maggie. She just had to be herself. For once, Alex was enough. She was good enough.

Until of course, she realized she was gay, kissed Maggie, and promptly got rejected. Then… her previously silent demons came roaring back. _See? I told you. You'll never be good enough. Even Maggie can't stand the sight of you._ They hissed in her ear as she fumbled her way out of the bar, even as Maggie called her name. They yapped in her mind, eager to broadcast her misfortune, if only to the sole inhabitant of Alex's brain. Their shouts turned to bitter murmurs when Kara held her as she cried. But they were right. She wasn't enough.

God, the pain was almost unbearable. But maybe she had put too much on Maggie, without the other woman's knowledge. It wasn't Maggie's job to save her or to make her love herself. Maggie didn't owe her anything. She was just like everyone else. And maybe she was right. Maybe Alex needed to date some women. Regardless, at least this was something she was used to. Not being enough for someone. That was her entire life.

So Alex started to move on. It was hard of course, because Maggie was persistent and despite the fact that she ignored the detective more times than she could count, Maggie made it clear that she wanted Alex in her life. And who was Alex to say no? How could she? But Alex was wary and she kept Maggie at a distance, because she didn't want to get hurt again.

At any moment, Maggie could decide again that Alex wasn't good enough and leave her. And then what would Alex do? How could she pick herself back up again after being rejected a second time? And how could she be so stupid to take such a risk? What was she doing?

"You alright there, Danvers?" Maggie tugged gently on Alex's hand. They were still walking back to the hotel. They'd stopped briefly at a boutique next to Alex's bank so Maggie could change, because she didn't want to walk all the way back in her heels. Maggie was wearing her clothes: gray sweatpants and a green sweater that was way too big on her but Alex's eyes almost fell out of her skull once she saw her and Maggie resolved to never take it off. Maggie had smirked knowingly as she bought some black boots at the store and even the cashier had laughed. "You got kinda quiet there." They'd spent the next part of their walk chatting amiably, Alex had been pointing out the stars to her and Maggie had been rambling about the intern at the party with the penguin tie.

"It's nothing," Alex shrugged, avoiding eye contact. Maggie's eyes were boring into her and she could just tell and she could feel the weight of her stare and she didn't want to look. She didn't want to get lost in the eyes of someone who didn't want her.

And furthermore, what was Maggie doing? Why was she flirting with her? Was it just the alcohol? What did this all mean? Alex knew she promised Kara she'd only have two drinks, but god this was going to be hard. It was hard to stay sober when Maggie was acting this way. It was confusing and distracting and she was happy of course, but she was also scared.

She was scared of getting her hopes up about Maggie again, only to have them crushed. She was scared of not being good enough again. She was scared of fucking up, because that was all she ever did. Maybe she could convince Kara to let her have three drinks. Just three. Maybe four. Four wasn't so bad. She could handle four. And then she would feel calmer. Better.

"Alex? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" Maggie stopped walking and turned to look at her again.

Alex frowned. "Not everything. And you know it," She muttered, looking down at their hands. Maybe they had held hands for too long. She started to slip her hand out of Maggie's.

"Wait, I'm sorry! I won't push." Maggie apologized, stepping closer to Alex. The redhead froze. "I'm sorry. Let's just enjoy tonight. We can talk in the morning if you want. Or if you don't want to, we don't have to talk about it at all. I just want you to be happy."

And just like that, Alex felt okay. Even her demons were content, curling themselves up in the dark recesses of her mind, spiked tails practically wagging at the soothing tone of Maggie's voice. _Well… I guess she's alright. Let's try to relax for now. We can't be too upset anyway, not with everyone there back at the suite waiting. Let's leave all this till tomorrow._

True. Her subconscious would file through all this mess while she slept. "Okay. I'm okay," Alex said with a small smile. "We can talk later, I guess." She didn't know when later would be; she didn't even know if she would want to talk about it when later arrived, but at this moment, she thought she wanted to. She hoped it was enough.

Maggie used her other hand to move Alex's chin, so their eyes finally met. "Thank you." She said softly. Her voice was so tender, so sweet, it almost made Alex want to cry.

"Why are you thanking me?" Alex frowned again, giving Maggie a confused look.

"Thank you for being you. Thank you for being with me right now. Thank you for forgiving me, even though I was an asshole. You're just amazing," Maggie said while still holding eye contact, cradling Alex's face with one hand and rubbing her thumb over the back of Alex's hand with the other.

"I don't… I don't know what to say." Alex looked away, biting her lip. Her heart was pounding again. "You're umm… you're amazing, too." But she already knew that. Maggie was a complete badass and she knew it. She owned it. She oozed confidence. There weren't enough words and expressions in all 7000 languages to describe how much Alex admired her. (Well, there were more than 7000, but that was beside the point.)

"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know." Maggie let go of her face, but held on tightly to her hand. Alex missed her warmth already. Her cheek felt cold and lonely. She was pathetic. "And thanks, babe. Let's go."

Alex exhaled with a shudder, looking at her breath in the winter air. God, when Maggie called her that, it did something to her insides. And of course she knew what it was, she was a _doctor_ for fuck's sake, but really who did Maggie think she was? Calling her babe and they weren't even dating? Who does that?

Then finally, another voice in her head spoke: _Stop thinking. Just go. Even your demons like this girl, she can't be all that bad._

Alex looked at Maggie, who had a questioning look in her eyes, but stayed silent. Whereas other people would've called her broken and crazy and not worth it and walked away, or become annoyed and said she was making a big deal out of nothing, Maggie was still there. Waiting for her. And she wasn't angry. Maggie thought she was worth waiting for.

"I think we have to turn right here. The hotel is on that street." Alex led the way, pulling on Maggie's hand.

"Yea, I think I can hear Mon-El's singing from here," Maggie quipped and Alex laughed.

"One time Mon-El started singing in front of Lena and Lena thought he was serenading her so she just got real quiet and stiff and Kara got jealous and started singing louder. It was like the alien version of American Idol."

"When did this happen?! How did I miss that?"

"It was hmm… ooh it was when they all went to this new karaoke bar that opened up last week. I wasn't there either. And you said you were busy. Winn showed me the video at work the next day. J'onn was annoyed until he saw it himself."

"Oh. Wait a minute, were you not there because you were on a date? You never miss one of Kara's outings. She never lets anyone forget either. You know, one morning I woke up to eighty-five texts from the group chat about Christmas Eve Disney night. Eighty-five!" The group chat that was once named "Superfriends" until Mon-El changed it to: "Rihanna's Defense Squad" and no one had changed it since.

"Well yea, I was, but I didn't want anyone to know so I made up an excuse and J'onn backed me up cuz well, he can read minds and he's always got my back. Why didn't _you_ go?"

"Because you weren't there, Danvers. I like your friends, don't get me wrong. They're all fantastic. But I… I wanted to see you. And besides, we've done karaoke before."

"Oooh. Okay, I see."

"Anyway, I can't wait until the weather gets warmer and the amusement park opens up again. Wait, why are you laughing at me? Roller coasters are fun!"

"They are! I agree with you. I'm just… remember that time you walked away from your fries at the bar to get our drinks and when you got back Kara had eaten half of them? So if you get any food, just uh, guard it. With your life."

"Especially since park food is so expensive. Really, can't Kara just fly to the nearest buffet eat there and come back instead of stealing my food?!"

"I mean, she could, but that would ruin the fun. And your reaction was priceless."

Maggie laughed, looking up at the sky. No one made her feel this free. She loved being with Alex. She didn't want this night to end. She never wanted the night to end when they were together. It was like they were the only two people in the world. She didn't care about the other people walking on the street, the cars and buses zooming by (completely ignoring traffic lights and turn signals and speed limits but she wasn't working and she didn't care), the bars and restaurants filling up and the dazzling city lights flashing all around them illuminating the idea that this night really was magical. All she cared about was the tall, gorgeous, incredible redhead who somehow still wanted to spend time with her.

"Maggie look! I didn't notice this the first time." Alex pulled on Maggie's hand as they rounded the corner and finally reached the gigantic hotel. The entrance was surrounded by trees that had been strung with lights. "It's beautiful, right?" Her face was lit with childlike wonder.

"Yeah, beautiful," Maggie replied, looking right at Alex. Underneath all the lights, her skin almost seemed to glow. She looked like an angel.

"Let's hurry. I can practically feel Kara looking at us from one of those." Alex gestured at the myriad of glass windows above them. She didn't notice the way Maggie was looking at her. Like she had been lost in space for years and she had finally found her world.

* * *

 As soon as they got to the suite (courtesy of a hilarious, seventeen-year-old bellhop who told them stories about growing up in Trinidad whose look was equally comical when he saw the generous tip they gave him but, according to Maggie, "I don't see many comedic routines on elevators, but yours was the best." and Alex had nodded enthusiastically and the boy walked away smiling), Maggie and Alex barely got through the doorway before they were barraged.

"What took you so long? Didn't you get my texts?!" Kara had her hands on her hips.

"You guys missed Twister! But that's okay, we're gonna do karaoke now." Winn assured them, handing Maggie a beer.

"Alex, you can put your stuff in the last room on the left." James pointed down the hallway. "It's the only room left. You and Maggie have to share."

Mon-El snickered under his breath, looking at their faces.

"Excuse me? What's wrong with the couch? Maggie can take the room and I can sleep there." Alex narrowed her eyes at James, missing the way Maggie bit her lip and said nothing.

"No, no. My friends might be coming by and they need the couch. I insist please. You and Maggie share the room. And the bed," Mon-El said firmly, nodding his head.

"And apparently, each other's clothes," James muttered to himself with a smirk. Kara's eyes widened and she grinned.

"Your friends? Who?" Alex demanded.

"Well actually, they're my friends but Mon-El talks to them sometimes… Cisco, Barry, and Iris. They might be uh… on vacation. Doing a little road trip. So they might crash here. They'll be gone by morning. You probably won't even see them. Ow!" Winn probably would've kept rambling, but James elbowed him in the side.

"You know what? Fine, I don't want to know." Alex rolled her eyes. She finally turned to Maggie. "Is it okay if we share a room?"

Maggie almost choked on her beer. "Umm… yea sure, of course."

"Okay. I'm gonna drop this in there." Alex gestured to her duffle. "And then I'm gonna need a drink." She knew what they were trying to do and it was partially funny but part of her was annoyed. She doubted the Flash was about to hop worlds just to play Twister with them.

Alex stomped off to their room, not bothering to look at any of them. This was embarrassing. What the hell was wrong with them? It was probably Kara's idea.

Alex sank down into the soft bed, not bothering to turn the light on. She let the bag lie next to her and she stared up at the dark ceiling. Part of her honestly wanted to stay inside the room and not come out. She heard laughter coming from the living room and then someone turned the TV on. Did she make a mistake coming here?

Someone gently knocked on the open door and she shot up. James was standing in the doorway with a smile on his face. "Alex, you alright?"

"I'm fine." Alex started walking past him, but he put a hand on her arm. She turned to him reluctantly. She didn't want to talk to any of them, but James was always nice.

"Look, while you were gone, Lena and Kara were talking and apparently Lena asked if they could share a room. Lena's not gonna be back here till late and I guess she wants to talk to Kara. I'm sharing a room with Tweedledee and Tweedledum." James paused, grinning as Alex laughed. "We were joking around. No one's trying to make you uncomfortable. Kara endured her fair share of teasing. The couch is open if you want it."

"I'll think about it." Maybe she was making a big deal of it. Maybe some alcohol would change her mind. "Thank you, James." Alex smiled at him. She knew she was intense at times.

"C'mon, girl, let's get you a drink. You need to relax." James put an arm around her shoulder and walked her towards the kitchen.

Relaxing was hard for her. But maybe she deserved it. She worked hard. Alex bit her lip, thinking as James fixed her a strong drink in the kitchen. As soon as the glass touched her lips, she sighed. She took a healthy gulp and instantly felt better. She and James returned to the living room where everyone was sitting on the couch or sprawled about on the floor.

"We voted while you were putting your stuff away. Drinking game movie extravaganza first and then karaoke after the alcohol is truly within us!" Winn announced from the floor, raising his glass. "But we couldn't decide on a movie. Zoolander, Bring it On, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Jurassic Park or The Hangover?" James sat down next to Kara.

"Oh. Well that's an easy one." Alex smirked, looking at Kara who was sitting in the middle of the couch.

"Orange mocha Frappuccino!" The Danvers sisters said simultaneously. It was one of their favorite movies growing up.

Maggie smacked her forehead. "Danvers, you're such a nerd. God. Next time, we're watching Jurassic Park." She was sitting in an armchair on the other side of the glass table. That was currently covered with board games and alcohol.

"The Hangover? Hello? The wolfpack speech clearly relates to all of us!" Winn shook his head. "Also, who doesn't like a good movie with a tiger?"

"Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a classic and you all know it!" James shook his head. "Such a shame."

"I just wanted to see a movie that highlights how white people systematically copy from and steal from black people." Mon-El sighed. "Gabrielle Union is gorgeous you know. And did you know, she has another show called Being Mary Jane? I've been meaning to catch up on it. She's barely aged a day. James was right. Black don't crack."

"Don't you forget it," James reached around Kara to clink his beer against Mon-El's and they both drank.

"Pffttt… get over it! Zoolander it is!" Kara grinned, sipping something from a flask. "Winn, do the thing! Start the movie!"

Alex bit her lip. Maybe she would sit on the floor by Maggie. Maggie seemed to have noticed her dilemma and crooked her finger with a beckoning motion. Alex dragged her feet over to the armchair that Maggie was lazily sprawled on. The detective smiled up at Alex and her cheeks turned red.

Maggie popped up off the armchair. "We can share. We're already sharing a room, right?" She winked and Alex's stomach dropped.

Alex avoided Maggie's gaze. It was too much. _Danger, Will Robinson, danger._

"Or you know… I could just sit on Mon-El's lap." Maggie leaned in and whispered in Alex's ear. Kara sputtered mid-sentence and started laughing. James gave her a confused look, but shrugged and looked away.

 _Fuck it._ Alex practically slammed her drink down on the glass table. She ungracefully plopped down on the surprisingly soft armchair, seized Maggie's hips and pulled the smaller woman right down into her lap.

"No." Alex replied simply, still possessively holding Maggie.

"Mmmm… you continue to surprise me, Danvers." Maggie turned her head to whisper in Alex's ear again and she shivered. "Don't let go."

"O-okayyyy!" Kara shouted from the couch. "I would just like to remind everyone that I have superhearing. For no reason at all. Let's watch the movie and enjoy it! Please press play!"

This time, Maggie turned red. Alex chuckled, relaxing her grip on the woman's hips. "Oh, I need my drink." Alex squirmed a bit and then froze as Maggie squirmed back with a hum. Her vision went white for a second. Fuck. That felt divine. Maggie was sitting on top of her. Her body was so warm and soft and fuck. How did this happen? Oh wait. She did that.

Maggie hopped off of Alex's lap, grabbed her drink and handed it to her. "Thanks." Alex muttered. _What the fuck did I just do? Oh my God._ Her eyes widened as Maggie lowered herself back onto Alex's lap. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Her legs were on top of Alex's legs. And her ass. Alex felt so good. It was almost overwhelming.

"Is this okay?" Maggie muttered. She must've felt how tense Alex's body was. "I can sit on the floor."

"No, no, it's okay." Alex gulped down more of her drink. "I just umm… need to get used to this."

"Me too, Danvers," Maggie smiled and sipped her beer. She used her free hand to grab Alex's hand and put it back on her hip. "I like it here. Is that okay?" Alex experimentally squeezed and flexed her fingers in reply.

"I still can't believe we aren't watching Bring it On." Mon-El scoffed.

"Shhhhhhhhhhh!" Kara said dramatically. "I'm trying to watch!"

"Celebrity cameo! Drink!" Winn practically screamed, reminding the group of one of the rules.

Alex could barely concentrate on Zoolander and it was one of her favorite movies. All she could feel was Maggie's body's against hers. Every time Maggie laughed or moved, she felt it. Sometimes Maggie danced in her lap and Alex swore she rose to a higher plane of existence. She was barely conscious, just following Winn's orders to drink. Before she knew it, she was delightfully buzzed.

When she was halfway done with her second drink (and up until this point she didn't really think she needed anymore for once? She was happy?), Alex's phone started buzzing on the glass table. Maggie reached over and nabbed it for her.

"It's your Momma!" Maggie said gleefully and Alex ignored the rising feeling of panic like she always did. She pushed it down and took her phone from Maggie.

Alex snuck a look at the screen and she hated that Maggie was right. If she ignored it, she would get an earful. Her mother knew she was off tonight.

"Sorry, ah, uh… I'm gonna go to the kitchen. Or else she'll call again." Alex gently patted Maggie on the hip. Maggie pouted (the most adorable thing ever and for a moment Alex considered not answering the call because who in their right mind could resist such a face) but got up, giving her a fake look of disapproval. She could tell by the smile in Maggie's eyes. No one else looked at her like that. And Maggie didn't look at anyone else like that. It was nice. It was more than nice. It was indescribable.

"Tell Eliza I said hi!" Kara called out as Alex walked by.

"I'll keep the seat warm for you." Maggie giggled and nestled back down onto the chair.

"To Mama Danvers!" James shouted, lifting his scotch.

"Did you ever listen to Mama by My Chemical Romance? I love that song. It reminds me of my relationship with my own mother." Mon-El confessed. "She's horrible."

"Dude, I'm sorry. Drink some more. We'll talk about it in the morning. But your Mom sounds like a bitch. Fuck her." Winn reached over and patted him on the shoulder.

Alex snorted as she strode into the kitchen and answered the call. "Hi, Mom. Sorry, I was watching a movie with Kara and our friends." She said as she leaned against the counter. She swirled her drink around in the cup and watched the liquid rise and fall. It reminded her of surfing in a strange way. She used to race to the beach before school. Hell, she woke up early just to do it. It was the only time she had to herself.

"Hi. Oh. I was wondering why Kara didn't pick up her phone. I wanted to hear all about this function the two of you went to." Eliza Danvers said and Alex took a deep breath. This is why she didn't want to answer the call. She knew where this was going; after all, she had over a decade of experience with this. Her demons rolled their eyes at the probing, yet slightly accusatory tone of her mother's voice. Subtle but always there and no matter how many years had passed; the pain never went away… the accusation that Alex wasn't doing enough.

 _Just forget about her and hang up the damn phone. That hot woman back there likes you. Enough to sit on your lap! Don't let this woman ruin another night for you._ The voice snarled. _We deserve to relax._  True. She gave her mother too much power, but she couldn't help it. Deep down, she wanted her mother's approval. She needed it, rare as it was.

"Yeah, Kara's phone is probably in her room. I'm sure she'll call you in the morning."

"I see. You didn't have too much to drink at this function did you? You know how it would look to Kara's work associates if you did."

"I promised Kara I'd only have two drinks and besides, I'm pretty sure she's more drunk than I am right now so." Alex wanted to bang her head against the wall. She shouldn't have said that. But she got so frustrated. She could feel her right eye twitching already. Her mother always brought this shit up. She couldn't wait to point out all of Alex's flaws. What was next? Her dating life? Her choice of profession? How many holes could she poke in Alex's life next? Alex was tired, she was fucking tired of all this. She put up with this shit for years. She was tired.

"What? How can Kara be drunk? How could you let that happen? Why would you let that happen? What if someone is in danger? What if someone needs saving? What if someone takes advantage of her? How could you be so irresponsible? You're supposed to take care of your sister, Alexandra! She needs you to-"

"I'm here! I'm right here with her! I think Kara can have one night where she can relax. She's not a baby anymore. She can make her own decisions. I don't need you judging me!" Alex shouted back, surprising both of them. She couldn't do it anymore. She didn't even bother bringing up the idea of her relaxing to her mother. Her days of relaxation ended the moment Kara entered her life, according to her. She didn't _get_ to relax. What was she thinking?

"If you don't want me judging you, perhaps you should make a good decision for once. Be responsible. If anything happens to her or anyone else, it'll be _your_ fault." Her mother shot back. Alex almost dropped her phone. It felt like someone stabbed her right in the chest, right over the wound that hadn't healed yet. God it hurt. She wanted to cry, but she refused to break down. She refused to give her mother that satisfaction. She refused.

"Nothing I do will ever be good enough will it? I'm always going to be a failure to you. No matter what I do." Alex downed the rest of her drink. It tasted like water. It wasn't enough. "You know what, Mom, I gotta go. Bye." She hung up before her mother could answer.

Alex put her glass down in the sink and opened the fridge. She scanned through the items and pulled out a bottle of white wine. It wasn't much but it would do. At least she could sleep. And hopefully wake up without remembering this fucking conversation. She wanted to forget. She couldn't have one night. One night to fucking relax. Every fucking time she tried to relax, calm down, be, dare she say, happy, some shit like this happened; another reminder that she didn't deserve to be happy, another confirmation of the lifetime of misery that awaited her.

Alex opened the bottle and drank right from it, without bothering to pour it into a glass. She didn't care. She was tired of caring. She felt like a teenager again, letting the waves crash over her body when she was done surfing, just so she could feel something besides the numbness. She was never going to be okay. As much as she wanted to be, she was damaged goods. She wanted to be normal, she wanted to be okay, but Alex was hurting. She began to think that she would never heal, because she was always holding onto this pain. She couldn't let it go. As much as she hated how she felt right now, it was familiar to her. She was so used to this pain, a sick part of her wondered if she craved it. Because who would Alex Danvers be without her suffering? She didn't know how to be happy.

Alex's thoughts were jumbled and she knew her anxiety and depression had fueled and took over her mind like a raging inferno. She knew, from a medical standpoint, that the conversation with her mother (hell just even seeing the name pop up on her phone) was an emotional trigger for her. That she, or some part of her, was reliving the pain from her childhood. But she couldn't control it and she couldn't stop it. And a part of her told her that she was overreacting, like she always was (but then again, that was something her mother had told her she did and she wasn't right about everything so maybe she was wrong about this, too).

 _I told you we should've hung up on the bitch._  They were right again. Alex held back a heavy sigh, a twisted smile on her lips. She wanted to cry again, but she held it back.

Kara shuffled into the kitchen almost apologetically. Of course she heard. "Al-" She paused when she saw what was in Alex's hand.

"Don't." Alex held her hand up. "Just don't. I need to be alone."

"My room has a balcony." Kara offered. She knew her big sister liked to look up at the stars… especially in times like these.

"Thanks." Alex said, barely looking at her.

Kara's face crumpled. She wished she could help Alex more than this. She never knew what to say when it came to Alex and her mother. She flew from the kitchen to her room and was back in a second, with a whoosh of wind, phone in her hand. "I can call-"

"Go ahead and call her." Alex laughed over her shoulder as she walked away clutching her bottle of wine. "I'm sure she'd love to hear from you." She ignored that feeling. She could feel Maggie's eyes on her as she walked past the living room. She felt like a ghost. Part of her wanted to jump off the damn balcony. But she knew she wouldn't. She couldn't leave Kara alone. Honestly, if she didn't have Kara, she probably would've by now.

Alex made her way to the balcony attached to Kara and Lena's room. There was a table and three chairs, but she didn't feel like sitting. She leaned against the railing, looked up at the stars and drank her wine. She drank until she didn't feel empty anymore. She just felt sad.

* * *

 Kara sighed for the eighth time staring at her phone. She heard her friends in the living room laughing too loudly, quoting the movie obnoxiously or slamming their drinks on the coasters, either pretending like they hadn't seen Alex or pretending to not notice the underlying tension in those who had. She wanted to punch something or someone.

The blonde knew she shouldn't call Eliza. But that didn't mean she couldn't help Alex. Alex was her big sister. She meant so much to Kara. It pained her that Eliza and Alex didn't have the best relationship. And she knew it was partially her fault. There was a lot Kara didn't understand about human relationships, but she knew that while her own parents expected a lot of her, they never talked to her like that. She didn't understand and she knew it was wrong, but she didn't know what to do. Kara wished that Alex blamed her; it would've made things easier. But Alex was just as fiercely devoted to Kara as Kara was to her.

Kara scrolled through her contacts until her thumb paused under her name. A blush covered her cheeks just from looking at the picture assigned to the contact. They had gone out for dim sum one Sunday afternoon, just the two of them. Her long, dark hair was falling into her face and she was holding chopsticks and she was about to take a bite but for some reason she looked up at the last second as if she knew Kara was watching her and that was when Kara snapped the picture with a giggle. It was a nervous giggle, because once those expressive green eyes locked had onto hers, Kara had almost forgotten she wanted to take a candid in the first place. Her eyes were dangerous. Her voice was too. Her voice was soothing, haunting and tantalizing all at the same time. She was devastatingly beautiful, honestly.

Kara took a deep breath and pressed _Lena Luthor_.

It rang only twice.

"Hello?" Lena's voice sounded surprised. "Kara, are you okay? Did you get to the suite alright?" She was speaking louder than she normally did and Kara heard background music and with a wince, realized the party was still going. Poor Lena still had people to entertain and she was dragging the hostess away.

"Hi, yea, I'm okay. And yes, I did thank you. The suite is beautiful! I love the balcony outside our room too." Kara babbled before she could stop herself. Oh Rao. I always do this. Focus Kara. "Umm… are you alone right now? I have a personal favor I need to ask of you."

"Sure, hold on a second," Lena replied smoothly. Kara heard some rustling and then a long creak. "I stepped out so I can hear you better. It's quite brisk tonight."

"Sorry to bother you while you're busy. I know how hard you worked planning this and I won't take up too much of your time." Kara blurted out, her heart pounding. She couldn't bear the thought of some socialite judging Lena for being absent during her own extravaganza.

"Kara, please, you never bother me. I'm grateful for the excuse for some fresh air. As happy as I am with the turnout and the donations, being around some of these people is utterly exhausting. They suffocate me. Now please, tell me, what did you need?"

"It's ah… complicated. But… it's Alex. She's upset. Eliza, her mother called and I forgot to call her cuz I was drinking from this flask that Mo-Mike gave me and the drink was really good but I was supposed to call Eliza and tell her about the party and I know she probably blamed Alex without even explicitly saying it and now she's all upset and she's drinking wine on the balcony alone and I just want to help my sister but I can't but I think you can." Kara rambled rapidly without taking a breath, gesturing wildly as she talked. Not that Lena could see. The blonde returned her hand to her side sheepishly.

Lena stayed silent for a moment and Kara's heart sunk. "Kara, of course I would like to help Alex, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if she would even talk to me."

"Please. You're the only one who can understand what she's going through. What she's gone through. I know I'm adopted, just like you. But it was different with me and Eliza. I'm the Lex, Lena." Kara said sadly. She took a deep breath and said the words that had plagued her for the longest time. "I'm the perfect child that Alex can never measure up to no matter how hard she tries. Eliza loves both of us, she does… but I took some of that love and understanding away from Alex the moment I stepped into their lives. She's way harder on Alex than she ever was on me and I understand why she treated me the way she did and I'm forever grateful that she took me in when she didn't have to… but Alex deserved better. So please. Please talk to her. You're the only one who can understand." Her big sister grew up thinking she wasn't good enough, because Kara was always treated better than her and she hated it. Kara hated it.

Comparing herself to Lex Luthor was something Kara never thought she'd do in her lifetime (if her cousin only knew) but she was willing to do anything for Alex. She didn't want to lose Alex. She couldn't lose Alex. She took so much from the other girl without even realizing it.

"Kara, you can't blame yourself for the way Alex's mother treated her." Lena said softly.

Tears stung in the corners of her eyes. "But it is my fault." Kara murmured. "I just… I don't want to be the reason they're always fighting. I don't want Alex to end up resenting me. I don't want to lose my sister. I don't want to lose Eliza either. I can't talk to her about this." She had lost so much already, she didn't want to lose another person. It was wrong, she knew it, but she was afraid. Afraid of losing someone else, even if that someone else wasn't always a good person… she lost one mother and she didn't want to lose another. She couldn't do it. She wished she wasn't so afraid, but she couldn't do it. The Girl of Steel too afraid to stand up to someone.

"Well… I'm glad you feel you can talk to me. But I'm going to say this again, you can't blame yourself for this. Eliza is the one at fault here, not you. You were children. And even though you aren't anymore, she's always going to be your mother. That's why this is so difficult. But you know can always talk to me about this, Kara, okay?" Lena sighed. She had no idea she had so much in common with Alex Danvers.

"I know." Kara whispered into the phone. That was the scary part. Part of her was afraid of losing Lena, too. She meant so much to her. "Thank you, Lena." She took a shuddery breath.

"What's Alex's number?" Lena asked.

"Wouldn't you rather talk to her in person?" Kara perked up instantly, tears forgotten. She knew; she just knew then that Lena could help. She could relate to Alex in a way Kara never could. Lena was incredible; there was nothing she couldn't do. Kara already felt better.

"Well, I suppose that would be better, but I'm all the way down-" Lena broke off as Supergirl clumsily, but quickly descended from the sky.

"Kara texted me! I owe her a favor too. I really appreciate what you're doing, helping m-Kara's sister and all." Supergirl laughed as she landed on the ground next to Lena with a goofy smile. "Special delivery to the balcony on Suite 405, right?"

"Uh… yes." Lena raised an eyebrow. Something seemed off with the superhero. "Have you been… drinking?"

"W-what? Psh, no, why would you say that?" Supergirl rubbed the back of her neck.

"Well, for starters… you've got no boots on and you almost crashed into a tree on your way down." Lena pointed out.

"In my defense, that tree came up out of nowhere… must've been Miracle Gro." Supergirl crossed her arms over her chest, hoping the darkness hid her blush.

"Are you sure you're alright to fly?" Lena asked, skepticism lacing her tone.

"Of course I am. I would never let anything happen to you! Kara would never forgive me!" Supergirl said loudly. "And besides it's not that far. Listen, I've stopped a plane with my hands. I think I can handle carrying one beautiful woman up a flight of stairs."

Lena's eyes widened and she coughed.

 _Oh Rao. Oh sweet Krytonite. You've really done it now. What did Mon-El give me? I was crying two seconds ago and now I'm picking Lena up figuratively and literally!_ Supergirl cleared her throat and slowly hovered in the air near Lena. "May I?"

"I, ah, yes, I suppose." Lena narrowed her eyes slightly. Skeptical Lena was even more gorgeous than usual, especially in that dress.

Supergirl picked Lena up with surprising gentleness. Blushing slightly, Lena put one arm around Supergirl's neck and held her purse with the other, cradling it to her chest. The blonde secured one arm around Lena's legs and another around her waist and nearly fainted at the heat she felt emitting from Lena's body.

"Blast off," Supergirl muttered, half to herself, but Lena still heard. Lena snorted as Supergirl gradually rose in the sky. She could see over all the treetops, the night sky, the skyscrapers, the traffic whizzing by leaving luminescent trails of red and white in their wake. It was breathtaking. "Ummm… I'm gonna fly a bit faster, is that okay?"

"Y-" Lena barely finished when Supergirl skyrocketed further up into the air, the wind screaming in her face. She closed her eyes and tightened her grip onto the superhero. Before she knew it, she was stumbling around on a balcony where an equally disoriented Alex Danvers was drinking a bottle of wine. She turned around, but Supergirl was already gone.

"If you're looking for Kara, she's inside." Alex pointed to the sliding screen door behind them. "Although, I must say I'm surprised you didn't want to take the elevator."

"I'm not looking for Kara. I'm looking for you." Lena took a compact mirror out of her purse and fixed her hair. The wind had mussed it up.

"Why?" Alex frowned. She put her wine down.

"Kara called me-" Lena started.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me." Alex rolled her eyes. "Look, Lena, I don't want to talk to you. Or anyone. I'm sure you're tired. Go inside and have some fun. I'll be fine." Her sister was something else. Who did she think she was telling Lena about their family business? What made Lena so special? Sometimes Kara was unbelievable.

"I'm not trying to overstep any boundaries. Please. Kara believes we're somewhat alike and believe me, I was surprised when she made the comparison, too. But I think she was right." Lena admitted, avoiding Alex's curious gaze. She hated showing vulnerability in front of others, but she was doing this for Kara. Kara. And perhaps, she would get a new friend, too… if Alex didn't kill her first. "We both have a… complicated relationship with our mothers."

Alex snorted and plopped down on the chair. She stared out at the stars. She used to wish she and Kara could go far away, where no one could hurt them. She didn't tell Lena to stay, but she didn't tell her to leave either. So Lena took that as a tentative go-ahead.

"The first time my mother hit me, Lex held me while I cried." Lena gripped the balcony railing so tightly her knuckles turned white. "He took pictures of my bruises and threatened to go to our family lawyer if she ever touched me again. He took me out for ice cream, bought me everything I wanted. The second time it happened was also the last time. He put himself between us. He looked at her and said, 'If you touch her again, I'll destroy you.' She was terrified of him. My brother is a lot of things, but when we were children, he never hurt me. He would've excelled at fatherhood because he knew what _not_ to do. That still didn't change the fact that the woman who adopted me didn't want me. Didn't love me… never did and never will."

"My mother never hit me. I guess I'm lucky." Alex said after a while.

"We're not here to play who had it worse. It's not a competition. And besides, just because your mother never hit you… doesn't mean she never hurt you." Lena pointed out.

"Then why are we here? Why are you here?" Alex demanded. She was fucking tired.

"I'm here because I'm the only person who understands what it's like to wake up and look in the mirror and hate what you see, not necessarily because of what you've done but because of what's been done _to_ you. I know what it's like to think that no one will ever want you because you're not normal, you're damaged goods. I know what it's like to have part of your childhood stolen from you. Because we had to do things the other kids didn't have to do. I know what it's like to be different from everyone else." Lena paused to look at Alex's face. The redhead's expression was undiscernible, but at least she didn't seem angry.

"When I was a child, I made it a game to avoid to my mother, but in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't a game. I learned how to creep up the stairs like a cat, avoiding the spots that creaked so as not to alert her to my presence. I spent more of my summers outside or at my friends' houses, unlike Lex, who was always inside tinkering away. When we had a dog, I would walk her for hours after school. I partook in any afterschool activity she deemed worthy. There were only two things I couldn't avoid, no matter how hard I tried: dinnertime and car rides. I dreaded those more than anything else." Lena confessed, letting out a deep sigh. "You know, as much as I hate saying all of this out loud… it's nice to say it to someone that understands."

Alex studied the woman for a long moment. She really did get it. It was strange. It was almost like she was talking to another version of herself. For a long time, she said nothing. She thought. She thought about the times she dreaded coming home from school, because she knew her mother was angry with her. She remembered the fear of showing test scores her mother deemed unacceptable. She remembered resolving to always help Kara with her homework, even if that meant doing it on the school bus and while sitting against lockers before the bell rang; because the one time she didn't, when Eliza helped her, she heard it, the impatience creeping into her mother's tone and even though Kara didn't know what it meant, she couldn't bear to have her mother treat Kara like that. Ever.

"How did you get past it all? You seem so… put together." Alex gestured to Lena.

"For a long time, I didn't. I avoided my trauma. And then, for a while, I thought the only way I could defeat my mother was to become as ruthless, cruel and heartless as she was, so she or no one else could ever hurt me again. And that didn't work either. I almost destroyed myself." Lena smiled sadly. "But the thing is… being abused makes us survivors. So even in the worst of conditions, I still… I still hung on. I put myself through hell because I grew up with it; it was what I was used to. Until, I realized that my deepest, darkest fear was actually being just like her. I decided I wasn't going to punish myself anymore. I didn't want to suffer. I wanted to be happy and throw it in her face. I didn't want to be anything like her. I would be… I often forget where this quote originated, but I wanted to be the adult I needed when I was a child. That would be my revenge. I would be a better person that she ever could be.

"I threw myself into my work and never looked back. But I also focused on myself. Therapy, yoga, massages, painting, journaling, swimming, hiking, meditation… whatever I felt I had to do to keep the darkness at bay, I did it. It's still there. It's always there, but I've learned to live with it. Lex crumbled under the weight of our mother's expectations. The propensity for his mental illness was always there, but it was exacerbated by the environment she provided." Lena snorted. "My brother is a genius and as they say, genius and madness are two sides of the same coin. I didn't want to repeat his mistakes any more than I already had. I didn't want to lose to her. Superman might've pushed my brother over the edge, but Lillian brought him to the cliff."

"You know, that's my fear too. Being just like her… one time she said to me that none of my future children would ever like me, especially if I treated them the way I treated her. One day, when I was surfing, she criticized me for being reckless and said that my father was careful too and look what happened to him. Some days, being around Kara was the only thing that kept me going. She motivated me to live, because I knew I could never leave Kara alone with her. The thought of her doing to Kara what she did to me; it made me sick.

"My mother needed someone to blame and criticize that someone became me. She was alone raising two children and she couldn't handle it. She was stressed and a grieving widow with the world on her shoulders and maybe she did the best she could. But it wasn't enough. She shouldn't have…" Alex broke off, scowling. She was about to cry, but she pushed the tears away again. "She shouldn't have treated me like that."

"You're absolutely right. There are plenty of grieving widows who don't resort to emotional abuse to cope with their loss." Lena retorted bitterly.

"She always said I was too sensitive. If I did something _wrong_ or angered her, she would just stop talking to me. And when she got over it, she was back to smiling like nothing ever happened." Alex found the words just leaving her. She'd held it in for so long. She never told anyone. "I never… I never thought of it as abuse before. God… what's wrong with me?" Some of the things she still couldn't say. She didn't want to say them. They were too dark and painful and she had pushed the memories away. She wasn't ready.

"Abuse is easier for someone to see when it's not happening to them. For us, it's normal." Lena shrugged. "Or at least, that's my take on it. It's why Lex was so angry when she hit me. And I think if she ever hit you, Kara would've done the same honestly. The way your mother mistreated you was subtle and if you have no basis for comparison, how will you ever understand that it's wrong?"

"That's true. I didn't really get it until I started spending more time with my friend Vicky. I saw the way her parents treated her and I wanted that. I craved it, but even then I didn't fully understand." Alex looked at the sliding glass door, the grooves on the chairs, anything.

"You shouldn't have had to understand. You were a child." Lena replied sharply and Alex knew she was angry for the both of them.

"Do you miss him? Lex?" Alex asked inquisitively. She got up from the chair and joined Lena, leaning against the balcony railing. She looked down at the world below.

"I miss the boy he once was. I miss the brother who taught me to play chess… the brother who taught me all the best hiding places in a mansion that was more like a museum than a home. I miss the boy who protected me. But he taught me one thing I'll never forget. I've always been strong, but he taught me that I was _worth_ protecting. Now, I don't need him. Now, I can protect myself. So in a way, I miss him and in a way, I don't. I've taken the best part of him with me." Lena looked up at the stars. "I can't remember the last time I talked about myself so much to someone who isn't my therapist. I was supposed to be cheering you up."

"No, it's okay. I'm here to listen, just like you did for me." Alex smiled at Lena, despite the magnitude of their conversation. "And you've given me a lot of think about. Thank you for telling me. I had no idea you've been through it too. Now I see why Kara-"

"She doesn't know. Well, she knows some of it, but… I'm afraid, to be honest." Lena shook her head. "It's easier sharing it with you because you understand. Kara is so bright and optimistic and sunny. I don't allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others and I'm afraid that if she sees what I am, what I've done, then she won't want anything to do with me anymore."

"Kara _is_ bright and optimistic and sunny, but she is that way because she has to be. After all she's been through… she has to believe that things get better, that she can be happy, that she deserves happiness. Don't underestimate Kara." Alex raised an eyebrow. "Let her in. She'll understand more than you think. She might surprise you, just like you surprised me."

"Kara surprises me every day." Lena smiled, turning to look out again at the stars. The two of them stayed silent for a while. "So… what are you thinking?"

"I… I don't know. I don't want to talk to my mother. But I don't want to make things awkward for Kara."

"If you need space from her, take it. You're not obligated to stay in someone's life, especially if they're bringing nothing but negativity. There was a time when my mother and I hadn't spoken for years. And it gave me time to breathe. Kara will understand, no matter what you decide. Just make sure you do what's best for you."

"You found better ways to cope than I did." Alex turned her head to look at the wine bottle on the table. Even then, the voice in the back of her head was telling her she could finish it, no problem. She ignored it. Not tonight. She'd had enough.

"There is no right or wrong. You did the best you could, given the circumstances. I… I've done things in the past that I don't quite like either. I want you to repeat my successes not my mistakes. And believe me, I've made plenty." The brunette rolled her eyes.

"That's right, I'd forgotten. You're not perfect after all." Alex teased with a grin, nudging Lena's shoulder with hers.

"From one self-deprecating perfectionist to another, I appreciate that." Lena smirked back.

"We should do this again. I mean, without me being a mess and everything." The redhead suggested, gesturing with her hands in a way that reminded Lena of Kara.

"We should. Tomorrow, I'll give you my doctor's number. She's fantastic and very professional. Her office overlooks the water and it's quite relaxing. One afternoon, I almost fell asleep during one of our sessions. And if you decide her treatment isn't for you, she can recommend a plethora of other-"

"You don't have to explain, Lena. I trust you." Alex interrupted with a small smile.

Lena stopped short and her green eyes widened. "It's been a long time since someone's told me that. Thank you."

"Don't get too used to it. I trust you with me, I'm not sure I trust you with Kara yet." Alex narrowed her eyes playfully, enjoying the way Lena turned red.

"I assure you, I would never-"

"Teasing you is no fun." Alex shook her head with a laugh. Well, she was partially teasing, but she decided to let the executive off the hook. Lena grinned with relief. "Go inside, I'm sure she's squirming on the couch cuz she's so antsy now that you're here."

"Are you sure?" Lena looked at Alex carefully.

"Yea, like I said, you gave me a lot to think about. Therapy is a good idea, but I ah… I also might have ah… well you know," Alex trailed off, gesturing towards the wine bottle on the table. Part of her was afraid of the withdrawal symptoms she would inevitably experience, but the other part of her was fiercely determined for something, anything to change. "There are other paths I can take. I just have to figure out what's right for me." Like AA or the 12 Steps Program. She would start researching tomorrow. She was nothing, if not thorough.

"You're not alone, Alex. I know I'm rather busy, but if you ever need anything, please, don't hesitate to call me." Lena insisted.

"I know. And Lena," Alex paused when the brunette turned around, "You're nothing like Lillian. You're nothing like your mother."

"Neither are you." Lena replied seriously and Alex never knew how much she needed to hear someone say it until then. She watched the other woman go inside and let out a sigh.

Alex took another look at the wine bottle. She strode over to the table and wrapped her fingers around its neck. As much as she hated it, hated it, she understood. She finally understood why she hid behind her books, the waves, the alcohol, the parties, the men she felt nothing for. And this goddamn bottle. She took one last look at the bottle, even the government warning on the back… and tossed it right off the balcony. It felt good. It felt damn good.

Alex stood on the balcony, staring out at the stars for a long time. She didn't even realize how cold she was; she hardly even noticed. She didn't really care. She was just thinking about everything. Alex felt bad for staying away from the party and Maggie, but she wasn't in the partying mood and she didn't want to drag everyone else down.

Thinking of Maggie made Alex feel slightly guilty. She knew that when the short detective had entered her life, Alex foolishly thought she would be okay, because for a short time, she didn't hate herself. But she was wrong. It would've come back sooner or later. One person couldn't change the way she felt about herself. One person couldn't cure her or fix her because what she had couldn't be cured or fixed, it was something she had to learn to live with. Alex was naïve for thinking that way. It wasn't right for her to (knowingly or not) put such a burden on another person. _It was a good thing she rejected me._

But Alex was still learning and growing and it was okay for her to make mistakes. Or at least, she was trying to learn that. She had to try and be better, not just for Kara, but for herself too. She had to learn to start putting herself first. Easier said than done… but perhaps she would start by taking a much needed break from Eliza Danvers. She wouldn't ruin Christmas or anything, but after that, Alex would bring in the New Year without the negativity.

The New Year was as good a time as any to cut someone off and while it wouldn't be forever, it would give her some time to figure things out. And if her mother had a problem with it? "Well, she'll just have to deal." Alex muttered, absentmindedly stroking her fingers on the railing. So she could not only begin to heal, truly heal, but to process what had been done to her. It was the only way she could begin to move forward. She had to study her past like she did everything else: relentlessly, tirelessly and conscientiously. She had to-

"Danvers, it's freezing out here!" Alex whirled around in shock as Maggie thrust open the door and stepped out onto the balcony. "How've you been out here for so long? You missed Cards Against Humanity and karaoke. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Winn and Mon-El sang Under the Sea and it was a travesty. I think it made everyone even more tired."

Alex shrugged and studied the brunette. She seemed to have sobered up a bit and the agent wondered just how long she'd been standing outside. How much of the party she missed. She had somehow forgotten that Maggie was wearing her clothes, a sight she would never tire of.

"So… you and Lena were out here for quite some time." Maggie started and then shook her head as if she was correcting herself. "Not that there's anything wrong with that. I was just wondering what you were talking about." _She's rich, she's gorgeous and she's got those green eyes I mean who wouldn't like her? But sometimes good things come in small packages, okay?_ Maggie crossed her arms over her chest, pouting a bit as she debated herself.

Alex held back a snort. She was jealous again. It was cute. For a moment, she considered teasing the detective, but she shifted and their eyes met again. It was hard denying Maggie anything, but this? This was deeply personal. And she wasn't sure if she wanted Maggie to know, to know her, to really and truly and deeply know her. Lena wasn't the only one who feared being vulnerable.

 _Let her in. Just a little bit. She's not like that woman who insisted you open up more and then when you did, criticized your thoughts and feelings. Not everyone is your mother. Give the girl something. She's standing here in the cold with you, for you._ For once, her demons offered her useful advice. And for the first time in a long time, they didn't seem like demons at all.

Alex cleared her throat and gestured for Maggie to join her at the railing, inwardly pleased when she did without saying a word. It was easier that way. When she looked at Maggie, it was like the other woman was looking right into her soul. It was too much at times. Alex bit her lip, trying to think of something to say while Maggie waited patiently.

"We talked about… we talked about…" Alex trailed off. This was hard.

"It's okay, Alex, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Maggie put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. If I'm bothering you, I'll leave."

"I do want to tell you. It's hard." Alex muttered. "My mother…we talked about my mother. And what she's done. And it's a lot to process honestly. I never… I never put it together. Until tonight… what it all meant. Why I always feel guilty, why I never like focusing on myself or doing things for myself, why I hate myself. Why I hate failing, why I push myself so hard, why I want to protect others so much… why I'm so angry. I'm so angry." Tears filled her eyes again and she finally broke down, covering her face with her hands. She turned away from Maggie. She wasn't supposed to cry. She wasn't supposed to be weak in front of anyone.

"Oh, sweetie, it's okay, come here," Maggie wrapped her arms around Alex's back and pulled her close. Somehow, Alex's head ended up on Maggie's shoulder and she kept crying. She kept crying and Maggie kept rubbing her back and whispering things in her ear or just humming and Alex let it all out. She cried for that little girl who didn't understand why she couldn't do anything right, for the sullen teenager who resented her own existence, for the adult she had become who was just desperately trying to cope with it all and still be a functioning member of society and protect her sister and the world. And she crumbled. She crumbled but Maggie caught each of her pieces as they fell and cradled them tenderly and returned them back to her. "You're doing great. You're remarkable. Stupendous. Olympic crier."

"Maggie!" Alex pulled away slightly and burst out laughing, wiping her tears away. Maggie grinned proudly, her hands never leaving Alex's back.

"Gold medalist right here," Maggie started out softly. "I think I hate your mother as much as I hate my own parents and Valentine's Day. And I fucking hate Valentine's Day." Hate was an understatement and the next time Eliza Danvers stepped foot in National City she was going to need restraints to keep her from shooting the woman in the face.

"I hate it too. I hate that it's the only holiday that makes you feel bad for being single." Alex frowned and Maggie chuckled, brushing some hair out of her face. It was a curious holiday to hate, but Alex heard the steely vehemence behind Maggie's voice and felt it in her gaze. She saw it then, as Maggie's eyes burned into hers. She had demons, too.

As quickly as they appeared, they scattered like bats into the sunset. Maggie's eyes softened. "Let's go inside and get you some tissues. I think I saw some on the nightstand." Maggie's arms lowered so they could wrap around Alex's waist.

"Yeah, we can go in. And then you can tell me why you hate Valentine's Day." Alex leaned her head against Maggie's and it felt good. She hated crying, but now that she had stopped she felt a bit better. The catharsis was real. And for some reason, she didn't mind breaking down in front of Maggie. She couldn't do it in front of her mother (obviously) or Kara or even Lena. But somehow, Maggie made it okay. Alex and Maggie walked inside together, with Maggie pausing slightly to shut and lock the door.

It was a lot warmer inside and for the first time, Alex realized how cold she'd been. She sat down at the edge of the bed, enjoying the darkness in the room. She watched Maggie as she shuffled around in the dark, opening up the closet and reaching on her tiptoes to secure a fluffy blanket that she then draped across the redhead's shoulders. Maggie switched the lamp on, keeping it on the dimmest setting, snatched a couple tissues from the box and started to hand them to Alex, but then thought better of it and started wiping the redhead's face herself.

Alex stiffened in shock. Maggie was so gentle with her. She wasn't used to it. When Maggie was done, she sat next to Alex, so close that their shoulders were touching. Alex maneuvered the blanket so they were both huddled together. It was almost hard to breathe. Alex slowly reached out her left hand and touched Maggie's right and their fingers intertwined slowly. It felt so good and relaxing. Better than alcohol.

"I didn't forget what you said." Maggie frowned, looking anywhere but at Alex. "Valentine's Day is a rough holiday for me, but for a different reason." Alex nodded her head and she couldn't help herself so she eased down until her head was leaning on Maggie's shoulder. She just liked to feel close to the brunette. "Comfy?"

"Yes, thanks. Continue, I'm listening," Alex smiled goofily as she played with Maggie's fingers until the brunette was ready to talk to her. She was happy that Maggie felt comfortable enough to share a part of herself with Alex, too. Even though part of her was sad, because she knew whatever happened had caused Maggie pain. She could feel it radiating off the other woman. They were both sad, but at least they were together.

* * *

 Alex and Maggie walked into the kitchen together, hand in hand still. Alex was upset that Maggie's family treated her that way and she was just as angry at them as Maggie was with her mother, but in a way, it was relieving for them both to be so open to each other. Maggie had darkness too. Perhaps their demons would learn to play together in the sandbox.

"So, next year, instead of celebrating Valentine's Day, we should celebrate Anti-Valentine's Day and go to a shooting range." Alex offered, as she opened the fridge and took out some leftover chocolate cake from downstairs that Winn or James had most likely brought up. "I mean, not that I was thinking of celebrating it with you because we're friends, but in case you needed to take your mind off things I could, we could…" She trailed off as she noticed Maggie was looking at her with an unreadable look on her face. "What is it?"

"I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend that awful day with." Maggie said firmly, with such conviction in her tone that Alex blushed. "You know, I've had girlfriends in the past who told me I was being dramatic. Or they just wanted me to change my 'opinion' of the holiday, for them, without regarding my feelings at all. But you… you're so understanding. No one's ever cared about me like that. Sometimes, I don't even bother telling people, because I know they won't care or understand or they'll just belittle what happened."

"Well… whoever did that… let's picture their faces when we go to the shooting range, okay?" Alex joked, partially because she was freaking out about what Maggie said. The intensity in her words, her gaze, her eyes, it was almost too much. It felt a hundred degrees in the damn kitchen.

"That's a good idea, Danvers." Maggie snorted, seemingly picking up on Alex's reaction and riding with it. "Any other suggestions?"

"Zombie movie marathon? I like Resident Evil." Alex wrinkled her nose as she wracked her brain for other ideas. Maggie bit her lip. Alex was so cute.

"Resident Evil? Really?" Maggie tilted her head with a skeptical look on her face.

"Aw come on, they're really good!" Alex briefly let go of Maggie's hand to grab a couple plates and forks, not noticing how Maggie's face fell at the loss of contact. "Okay, some of them are bad, but like Alice is so badass and… what is it? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" Maggie was looking at her like she put the sun in the sky and Alex was confused because no one ever looked at her like that before.

"Nothing. You're just…" Maggie said, staring right into her eyes. A nervous look flitted over her usually confident demeanor as she drew closer to Alex, who was silent. But she pushed it away. She couldn't take it anymore. Fuck it. "I know tonight has been awful for you and my timing is really bad and I promise this isn't a one-time thing, because I really care about you and I want to talk about this, about us, tomorrow when we haven't been drinking and crying, but I just really want to kiss you right now. Can I? Can I please kiss you?"

"You mean… you don't want…" Alex's eyes widened. Her brain was about to short circuit. She nodded her head. "Please. Please kiss me."

Maggie gently held her face, reached up and kissed her. Alex felt like she was swimming. It felt like part of her mind exploded and her world went white. Her body felt uncomfortably hot and the press of Maggie's lips against hers and feeling Maggie's hands on her body and she was drowning in the other woman. She reached and pulled Maggie up, closer to her, pressed her body and her own lips even harder against Maggie's. Alex never truly lost herself in another person before and somewhere, deep inside herself, she realized she had come home for the first time. This feeling, this overwhelming feeling was home. She swore she could feel their souls connecting as they held each other. She didn't want to open her eyes. She didn't want this to end.

Maggie kissed her again and then nibbled on her top lip. Alex moaned in surprise, her tongue flitting out to taste Maggie and she filed away the feeling because she wanted more. Maggie sucked on Alex's lip, releasing it with a small pop and Alex chased her lips, drawing them together again. Even after Maggie pulled back seconds later (somewhere in the recesses of her mind, Alex was scowling in protest, she didn't want to let go of Maggie but she did), giving her an amused look, Alex didn't notice. She felt her lips with her fingertips; her lips were buzzing and tingling. "Wow." The redhead mumbled to herself. "So that's what it feels like."

"That good, huh?" Maggie nudged their shoulders together, full dimples on display. She was joking to ease the tension, because she felt it too. Her heart was still pounding from all that. "So, do me a favor, Danvers and don't call us friends anymore, unless you want to be just friends. Because you mean more to me than that, so much more. I don't want to rush you or push you into anything you're not ready for, but I just wanted you to know how I feel."

"How… but I mean, why would you even want more? I just cried all over you." Alex frowned. "That's not exactly attractive. And I'm not…" She wasn't exactly the picture of mental health. She hated herself. She was going through a lot. Why would Maggie want to be with someone like her? When she could have someone normal? Someone who wasn't crazy?

"I want you, I want all of you. I want us." Maggie said resolutely. "I know I'm not making much sense and I promise we'll talk more tomorrow. Seriously." She knew Alex had some things to work on and honestly, so did she. But they would figure that out. "Just for tonight, let's forget about all of that. Let's just be together. Just us… no responsibilities, no worries… I just want to be with this amazing woman I see standing in front of me. You make me happy. I want to be happy with you. Is that enough, for now?"

Alex blushed and looked away. "Thanks. Okay, let's do it. I want… I want to be with you, too. It's enough. You're always enough." She said quietly. She wanted to be happy, too. She didn't want to punish herself anymore. "Now grab the cake and let's go." She practically ran away holding the plates and Maggie laughed as she trailed after her into the living room. So cute.

"Awww yeaaa cake time!" James shouted with glee as Alex put the plates down on the glass table. Maggie put the cake down and Winn and Mon-El pounced on it. The redhead looked around but didn't see Lena. "Save some for me guys!"

"Every human and alien for themselves!" Winn retorted as he shoveled a piece in his mouth. Mon-El's mouth was already full, but he nodded vigorously in agreement.

"She left before you came back in." Kara pouted. "Some mayor or other politician wanted to speak with her." Kara zipped to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of sparkling apple cider and wine glasses, which Alex greatly appreciated.

"Alex, I would just like to say that I, too, am here for you. Anything you need!" Mon-El proclaimed, gesturing to her with his chocolate-covered fork. "My mother once beat a servant in punishment for something I did. Awful woman. My father is just as awful for enabling her."

"Does everyone here have shitty parents?" Alex scoffed as she plopped down on the armchair. She watched as Maggie fixed herself a piece of cake, but carried two forks. For both of them. Somehow, the simple action held such gravity. Knowing that they weren't friends anymore, they were something more, they were together. Her heart swelled.

"Yup. Apparently, even Mon-El does. Who knew?" Maggie snorted as she walked over and sat herself back in Alex's lap again. Alex turned as red as her hair. "I figured since we've been sharing the seat, we can share the cake too, right? I kept it warm for you, just like I said."

"Ah, yeah, sure," Alex gulped as she grabbed the fork from Maggie and distracted herself by eating. The cake was delicious too. She looked forward to sharing more things with Maggie.

"I would just like to say that I've been a member of the Shitty Parents Club ever since I was eleven." Winn raised his glass and Alex reached down to clank hers against it. "In some ways, it never gets easier, but the club keeps growing exponentially."

"I'll drink to that," Mon-El muttered, taking a rather large gulp from his glass. "It's a miracle any of you humans can reach a state of intoxication at all. This tastes like juice."

"It's nonalcoholic, Mon-El." Kara rolled her eyes, snatching his flask away before he could reach it. "And we've all had enough for tonight." _I thought I got rid of all the alcohol…_

Alex took a deep breath, cleared her throat. She could feel Maggie's reassurance and it calmed her. "Thank you guys… for dealing with me," Alex said, playing with Maggie's hair as to avoid the kind gazes of her friends. "I'm sorry I haven't been around tonight and I hope I didn't ruin anything for you guys. It means a lot to me." _That you're all still here. That you accept me._

"No, of course you didn't ruin anything. We just want you to be happy." James said kindly. "We're here for you."

"Psh, there's nothing to deal with. You're family." Winn insisted. "And not like the biological kind that sucks and you can't escape from, but the kind you make on your own and in that way it's more meaningful honestly. Damn, that was good. Hallmark card material."

"And we love you." Kara said determinedly. "And I'm sorry, Alex."

"It's okay." Alex said and for once, she meant it. Things were going to be okay. She met Kara's eyes and nodded her head. She would talk to her sister when she was ready.

"Can we please watch Bring It On? The disenfranchised-"

"Really Mon-El? Really?"

"Maggie, Maggie, it's okay, it's okay!"

"OWWWWWWW!"

"Maggie!"

"What are you going to do about it Kara? You can't threaten me with Mars this time!"

"I'm gonna go get some more cake from the fridge and pretend I didn't see a detective assault someone with a deadly weapon. I plead the fifth everyone."

"Remind me to never mess with Detective Dimples or her girl."

Alex smiled as Maggie settled down into her lap again. Their fingers interlocked instantly. Maggie had a smug grin on her face as she watched Mon-El stumble to the kitchen for an icepack. The smug grin turned soft and affectionate as Maggie turned her head to look at Alex. James chuckled and took a picture of them on his phone, the first of many he planned on taking. He was Alex's Secret Santa and it would make a great present, edited, framed and blown up. Kara rolled her eyes again and snatched the next DVD off the table, muttering about no wonder Lena left. Winn practically tripped over himself going to help Mon-El in the kitchen.

Alex looked at her family and laughed.

_(And somewhere, somehow, a fourteen-year-old girl who survived child abandonment met another fourteen-year-old girl who survived child abuse. They held hands, walking out of the darkness and into the sunlight together. Their fight was done for now. They didn't have to survive anymore, they could live. And for the first time in a long time, they were both happy.)_

"Wait, what did Maggie mean, threaten her with Mars? KARA!"

**Author's Note:**

> I'll write an epilogue cuz someone mentioned wanting to see Disney night and someone else wanted a Supercorp kiss (which I'll try to write but this one was about Alex so). Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it! I like reading comments so please let me know what you thought. Also if I offended anyone or missed a trigger warning, tell me. And just like Lena Luthor said, "You're never alone."


End file.
